Are you spending to feel like you belong?

Money & Emotions:

The many layers of finance seen from two angles:

The practical side — budgeting, mortgages, protection, investing, pensions….
The emotional side — how the seasons of our lives shift, using Maslow’s principles to layer from survival to thriving.

(If you missed the blog you can read it here)

Let’s explore one of those emotional layers in reality:

The desire for more. The desire for a lifestyle that isn’t yours (yet)

Spending for Belonging

Buying stuff so you feel like you belong to a life you don’t (yet) have.
With those friends.
With that group of people.
To that aesthetic lifestyle, the ones you watch for hours on socials.

I adore watching two particular creators. Lydia Millen Gordon and Josie Irons.

They’re my comfort TV and my inspiration. If I didn’t already live rurally, I’d be hankering after country life. I would want all the fleece gilets money could buy.

Their lives look like utter perfection.

But here’s the thing: I can’t buy what they’ve created. Sure, I could buy some of the stuff, but it takes more than things to create a lifestyle. And who’s to say it would bring me much happiness as I think it would?

What Have They Created That I Love So Much?

Homes:

They’ve built beautiful homes over many years. We’re renovating ours now, sourcing furniture at brocantes and bric-a-brac fairs, layering in with what we already own. It’s dusty and imperfect, but we’re getting there.

We love similar soothing colour palettes. Neat, clean and organised is in my DNA.

I am a cushion fanatic, I love making my home feel cosy. And we are having fun creating everything. Albeit on a considerably smaller budget.

It’s amazing what a tin of paint can do, decluttering and lamps. No big lights are ever turned on around here. My eye bags cannot handle them.

When I watch these two gorgeous women, I see how happy they are, how their homes are their sanctuaries and how so much love fills their lives. Is this what you’re missing or is a new sofa intrinsic to your happiness? Hey I’m not judging, I had my two old ones 25 years and have just bought my first ever “grown up” sofas. The change in comfort and style is immense.

(image of my fancy new sofa and cosy cushions)

Gardens:

Their gardens are breathtaking, though supported by a team of gardeners (which I only recently realised, duh!). Our dream garden is tiny by comparison and is being crafted out of sweat, blood, and a few tears. It’s not Instagram-ready, but it’s ours, and patience is the greatest lesson it’s teaching me. Why won’t it grow already?! I can, however, waft around with a cup of tea and my secateurs, snipping and clipping, so I am already in my element even if the photos aren’t pretty, yet.

Personal Style:

They look flawless in their gorgeous home gyms with personal trainers and perfect activewear. Me? My “gym” is the creaky sun lounge where I fling myself around to Fitness+ dance workouts in my PE kit, much to the amusement of the neighbouring farmer.

But style isn’t about spending more. I don’t need the fancy gym gear, there is no amount of lulu lemon that will make me look good in leggings.

Style for me, is about choosing better to begin with. The older you get, the more you want one nice thing over 5 cheap things. I’m also looking forward to rediscovering what I already own (once I unpack those moving boxes) and using my wheeled clothes rail to create outfits, an actual capsule wardrobe. It’s so easy, when working from home to look more shabby than chic and I want to change that.

I find watching their videos really helpful in trying something new.

And not to forget, sewing on missing buttons, de-fluffing knitwear, polishing boots & bags, and actually ironing clothes make a startling difference, who knew?

Comparison vs Inspiration

When I look back, I realise I’d already created what I wanted in my 30s, buying my little farmer’s cottage solo. Now, in France, we’re building a new version of our dream. Living simply is luxurious to us now. The nearby donkey braying and the responding howling of our neighbours’ hilarious spaniel are our alarm clocks.

Comparison is the thief of joy. And yes, I feel it creep in more often than I’d like. But I actively choose inspiration instead.

Your thoughts can be changed. You are not your thoughts.

If you’re feeling “less than” when you compare yourself to someone online, is it true? Of course not. You may have less stuff, but you are not less. Self worth and money is a huge topic.

What, really, when you dig into it, is most meaningful for you?

Why Wanting Feels Better Than Having

Psychology explains why that “wanting” can feel more intoxicating than “having”:

Dopamine spikes in the chase, not the catch. Anticipation lights up the brain more than ownership.
Scarcity makes things sparkle. Out-of-reach feels like treasure. Once owned, it can often lose some of its magic.
Fantasy vs reality. We imagine the item will change our lives. Reality rarely matches fantasy.
Adaptation kicks in. Humans adjust quickly; that new bag or car soon blends into daily life. And then you want something else.

Lifestyle Creep = you get a pay rise, you buy more. You barely notice that extra £5k a year, your life is just the same as it was. Are you happier? Or still feeling like you’re living month to month?

This is why buying to fill an emotional gap leaves us flat once the buzz fades.

Appreciating luxury, art, beautiful homes & gardens is one of life’s many pleasures. Recreating your version at home is a wonderful way to spend your time and money. But don’t go broke trying to have it all. You don’t need it. At least, not in order to belong or feel more loved.

(picture of my comforting flapjacks – also look pretty on the table. I’m reusing a cheese board set that we were gifted!)

Redefining Luxury

Can I afford luxury? Not in the designer sense. But luxury doesn’t have to mean “out of reach.”

For me, it’s quality, longevity, and love.

A £100 candle? Gorgeous, but pointless if I’d never light it. Essential oils mixed together can recreate a similar effect and your friends will still tell you how they love how your home smells. Nice church candles give the visual effect you’re after.
Pre-loved, second-hand, charity shop finds? That’s my kind of luxury. Affordable, sustainable, creative. Call them antiques if it makes you feel better.

Real luxury for me is…

Decanting pantry goods into pretty jars and cooking good food for my family and friends to enjoy together. Setting the table nicely and taking pictures so that I can remember a regular Tuesday in years to come.
Re-waxing my old Barbour and washing the mud off my decade-old wellies. Applying lipstick and perfume daily. Using the nice glasses and having good coffee. Looking after what I’ve got and been gifted over the years.
The smell of homemade cake filling my kitchen, and then peacefully reading a book whilst eating a slab.
A playlist I love, creating the mood I want and feeling like my pace of life brings me more happiness than it does stress.
Not worrying endlessly about money. This means facing it head-on. Planning ahead as much as humanly possible so nothing becomes troublesome. Decisions can be mulled over, not rushed.
If I want to buy something lovely, I know I can. The freedom to choose.

Luxury is about your sensory feelings, not spending.

Creating Your Own Belonging

Ask yourself: what do you love most about the creators you follow? What are you really longing for that you don’t have, and how can you create a version that suits your lifestyle and budget?

Your life isn’t smaller than theirs.
Your worth isn’t less than theirs.

But if watching them leaves you feeling crap, stop watching. Focus on your own life and being present in each moment. Spend that time tweaking an area at home that you hate so you can look at it with pleasure.

The Real Belonging

True luxury, true belonging, is simple:

Good times. You co-create your life every day. Are you enjoying it?
Good health. Nourishment for your body and soul. Peace of mind.
Having people, books, music and a home you love (or you’re working on loving)

And that, my friend, is worth more than all the fleece gilets in the world.

If you need someone to talk to about unravelling where your head is at, you’re most welcome to book a 20 minute free consultation.

If you feel yourself leaning in to how we chat and want more, you can book an hours mentoring session to sort out your unruly finances and find some peace with your thinking.

Not financial advice, but organisation, clarity of direction, a spending plan set up and a lot of new perspectives.