It’s #TalkMoney Week in partnership with Money Helper.org.uk

I’ve written a story about Mary & Tom that brings to life a couple who have grown apart emotionally, and don’t really talk about money any more. More importantly, they don’t really talk about what they want out of life, what is most meaningful to them. They just go about their days, weeks, and months. 

They’re living separate lives in the same house. Feeling ever more despondent. 

You can read that here – I promise it has a lovely transformation!

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For this blog, let’s focus on some simple things you can do to work together as a team in your partnership so that money becomes a natural part of your conversations. 

As a team, you don’t have to spend your lives clinging together! We certainly don’t! 

But, our values are the same, and we know our direction of travel. 

We have discussed how we want to manage our money together. 

In short, it looks a bit like this:

1. One pot for household bills, food and things for the home. 
2. Our savings accounts are moving into both our names, so we both have access to OUR money
3. Pots we have independently 
4. Pensions – he’s getting his in a few years, me another 15 yrs.
5. We’re getting used to earning in France; it’s very new, quarterly social taxes to pay. I have my business, and we have a joint business. 

So, what about you? 

This week, MoneyHelper.org.uk have a focus on talking about money and the various ways you can approach it in your relationships. How much emotion on a scale of 1-10 does money make you feel? And your partner? Are you at loggerheads?

You’ll see on their website, there is a huge range of topics to read about. For this blog, I want to give you a few of the best tips I know about that will bring you both back together. 

There are, of course, a few caveats. 

1. Economic Abuse is abhorrent and on the rise. If you are frightened or concerned that you are being prevented from accessing finances, coercive control over spending or earning, please PLEASE go to this safe website now > https://survivingeconomicabuse.org/
2. If you or your partner are experiencing gambling addictions, shopping addictions, please seek support over here > https://www.moneyhelper.org.uk/en/money-troubles/dealing-with-debt/tackling-problem-gambling-and-debt#
3. If you are in a debt situation that is making you feel like it’s too much, you’re drowning in it and don’t know what to do, whether your partner is in denial with it or causing it, please get your support over here > https://www.stepchange.org/setting-expectations.aspx

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The Cost of Living Crisis Post-Pandemic

Millennials, especially, I feel, have had it really rough in these last few years. You’re in your 30’s, looking to buy your first home, get married, have a family and wallop. Literally everything has gone crazy in the world. Every generation has economic problems but you guys have copped it straight off the bat.

Is this you, or maybe you’ve got sons & daughters in this season of life?

Side hustles have become the norm, and talking about money has burst onto the scene like never before. Education is everywhere, not all of it should be taken action on… but there are some great ideas to learn from.

If money is still taboo in your partnership conversations, with your grown-up children or older parents, you’re probably desperate to find the right words to have open and necessary ongoing conversations. But where to start… And how to make it a nice experience?

How to start a conversation about money without it being a big drama

Sometimes it’s easier to ease into it naturally, rather than asking someone to sit down for a serious chat. I really like going out for a walk, you’re not face-to-face, or distracted with household chores. Also, if one of you tends to get a bit shouty, you’re less likely to outdoors. 

Have a bit of a plan

For what you want to say, appreciating how the other person is likely to react, will help you phrase things differently. I find, after decades in retail, that sharing respect for the person first makes for a great opener.  Being a bit humble can work, or at least, having zero intention to win! 

Listening skills are not to be underrated.

If you learn how to listen really well, practice it. The other person might not be skilled so don’t get frustrated. Keep going.  If it goes off track, gently bring the conversation back. Remember you love this person and you want to figure this out as a team. 

Listening is all about hearing the other person, fully, completely, and be able to repeat back what they have said. It is not so that you can think about your best one liner come back, you’re not on TV and you don’t have an audience. 

If you know you might forget

Or become overwhelmed, or feel verbally attacked, take a notebook. All the years in HR taught me that making notes was not just legally required, it was essential to keep the conversation on what that person was saying. If I didn’t understand something or need extra context, I would be focused on them, not my response. It also serves as a wonderful “you didn’t say that, you said this” afterwards, if needed. But in my experience, people who feel cornered are the ones who nitpick after the event. 

You don’t have to agree with what the person is saying; your emotions might rise, and you’ll want to respond as such. Being a great listener is like being an interviewer. You’re curious. You want to know more. You want to get to the bottom of it. 

So you ask questions, not to be judgmental, sarcastic or to twist their words, causing an argument. It’s being emotionally intelligent enough so that you take on board WHAT they’ve said and how they feel, not as a heavy weight of pressure on you, but as something to learn from. 

A great listener

Will not respond until that person is empty of things to say. They will feel lighter. Probably rid themselves of a lot of emotion. That burden hasn’t passed to you like a stone-filled backpack. You’re not putting it on and carrying it. You’ve simply allowed them to take it off and place it on the floor. Resist the urge to ask “Do you feel better now?” because I know I erupt after that condescension, don’t you? 

If the conversation can handle it, maybe after a strong cup of tea and some cake, or maybe even the next day, you get your turn. They might not be as good a listener as you, so set the tone so that they can at least try to be. 

If you can’t figure out how to co-create the solution, you need a trustworthy friend to help you or a professional. 

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Knowing how to open the conversation can boost your confidence.

Here are a few ideas for how to start:

• You know, you mentioned earlier about having a holiday, I had a few ideas about how we could plan for that
• I would really appreciate your thoughts on something. Have you got 10 mins?
• I was thinking about what you said the other week about (topic) and so I read up on a bit of research. Shall I make us a cuppa and I’ll share it with you, I’d love to know what you think?
• I know we don’t see eye to eye on this subject, but I’d really love to understand you better. I promise I won’t get upset, or if I do, I won’t get defensive! It’s really important to me that I properly understand where you’re coming from so that we can get creative together. I want us both to be really happy, and I’m well aware there will be some compromises. 

If….	Try…
They don’t agree with you	Ask them why they see it differently and listen with an open mind. If they make a good point, acknowledge it. If you still disagree, focus on how you can move forward together.
They blame you	Stay calm and open without getting defensive or blaming them back. Ask yourself if their comments are fair. If they are, talk about how you’ll address them. If they’re just shifting blame, gently ask what you both can do to improve the situation.
They’re impatient or change the subject	Remind them why the conversation matters. Let them know they have choices, and that you understand it’s not easy, but talking now can help avoid bigger issues later. You can always come back to side topics later.
They talk a lot and go off track	Give them time to speak, but gently steer things back by referring to what they’ve said and asking clear, relevant questions.

If you’d love a step-by-step guide

Instead of just MORE information, that will enable you to both work through some meaningful questions together, that will undoubtedly take some of the heat out of the process, take a look at this. 

It’s designed to guide you from not really knowing where your money is going, which makes you feel anxious every time you need to check your bank account, to having a ready-made system that will make you feel confidently in control every month, every quarter & every year. 

You’ll know what to do

When to do it

And how to do it.

It’s painting by numbers, really.

You’ll find this beautiful workbook in this Toolkit

Tell me in the comments what you found useful here, and if you’ve also tried other things that have worked for you.

Thanks for reading and if you haven’t already, I invite you to try my fortnightly emails.

They’re a great nudge to read little & often, make tweaks to what you’re doing and they offer as much solace as they do practical elements that you can easily slip into your routines.